Attack of the Clones

Opening crawl

I’m back from whereabouts unknowns
Called by popular demand (and some groans).
I did some writing while I was gone,
And now the story must go on,
So welcome to part two, “Attack of the Clones”.

Years passed since the events on Theed.
The Republic had some wanting to secede.
They sure meant it
And told the Senate,
“We’re splitting so we can get what we need.”

The Separatists made peace unsure.
And not everything had a Jedi cure.
And it’s worth noting
The Senate was voting
On whether or not an army to procure.

Amidala, the Queen of Naboo,
Is now a Senator in Episode Two
So amid all this din
Is where we’ll begin,
Over Coruscant, her ship comes into view.

Two Naboo fighters escorted her down
To the landing platform high above town
The fighter pilots disembarked
And one of them remarked,
“I guess there was no danger,” with a frown.

No sooner had Captain Typho spoken
The silence of the moment was broken
The “danger” that he boded
Manifested and exploded
As a bomb caused a-screamin’ and a-croakin’.

The Senator sunk down to the ground
And she died as everyone gathered ‘round
But the person in the rubble
Was actually a stunt double,
Amidala was the other pilot, everyone found.

Palpatine and the Jedi

So the real Amidala lived to fight another day
And Captain Typho safely whisked her away.
In the next scene
We find Palpatine
Meeting with a Jedi soiree.

“At some point it will come to a vote,”
Said the Chancellor, who then seemed to gloat.
“I won’t let this be,
They must listen to me,
I won’t let the Separatists sink my boat.”

Mace Windu, (who wore no hairpiece),
Said, “The Jedi are keepers of peace.
If the Separatists defect,
We’re too few to protect
You would need extra troops for police.

“Master Yoda, will it really come to war?”
Chancellor Palpatine did implore.
“The Dark Side clouds me
So impossible to see
So I can’t really say any more.”

A buzzing sound informed the group
Of the arrival of Amidala’s troop
After greetings were passed,
The Senator asked,
“This assasination attempt, what’s the scoop?”

They had hunches but not for sure who...
Amidala said, “I think it’s Count Dooku.”
This caused some surprise
But in the Jedi’s eyes
Dooku was not evil, just cuckoo.

Then the talk took a serious inflection,
Palpatine made a most wise suggestion.
Against Padme’s will
He insisted still
That she be placed under Jedi protection.

Old Friends Reunited

Wanting to protect, not offend,
The Jedi assigned an old friend,
To watch after Padme
The two person cadre
Of Obi Wan and Anakin they’d send.

Coincidentally, those two appeared
And my friends, it was just as I feared
He used to be small
But now Anakin was tall
And Obi Wan had grown himself a beard.

Obi Wan had picked up an odd sense
That Anakin was growing more tense.
His face went all flush
Because of his crush,
Obi Wan laughed at Anakin’s expense.

“Here goes nothing,” Anakin thinks.
The door opened and there was Mr. Binks!
Upon seeing Kenobi,
He yells, “Obi Obi Obi!”
Then he looks at Anakin and he blinks.

“And you must be who?” Jar Jar begins...
“OH! He’s so big! Its Anakins!”
He gives a big hug,
And with a sheepish mug,
Says, “Shesa waitin...come on ins.”

The Gungan entered, smiling ear to ear.
Cleared his throat and announced, “Looks who’s here!”
Amidala and Obi greeted
And then she was treated
To an awkward compliment from Ani, though sincere.

She laughed it off, called him “little boy”
Anakin blushed, but it gave Obi and Typho joy.
“You won’t notice us here,”
Said Obi-Wan, lest she fear,
That the Jedi would be meddlesome and annoy.

Learn Your Place, Padawan

“I don’t need a chaperone who’s protective.
What really would like is a detective
To find out who is trying
To blow me up and make me dying
I think that should really be your main objective.”

Obi Wan reminded her their charter,
To prevent her from becoming a martyr.
But Anakin promised more
He said he’d mop the floor
With the assassin’s face and then once again…even harder.

“We will not exceed our mandate, young padawan!”
Was the stern rebuke that came from Obi Wan.
“Keeping her from harm
From evil gendarme
Not investigating hither and yon!”

“This assasin is Padme’s vexing specter,
By hunting him down, we’d protect her.”
Anakin argued
In a way that did intrude
On Obi Wan’s role as the duo’s director.

“Anakin, you will follow my lead.
Your britches’ capacity you exceed,”
Obi did decry,
But Anakin asked, “Why?”
As Jedi, their presence was overkill indeed.

“We will follow the instructions from Mace
And you will remember your place.”
Said Obi to his student
Trying to be prudent.
Padme intervened with diplomatic grace.

”Perhaps by your mere presence you’ll uncover
This mysterious cloud that doth hover”
And with that reprieve,
The Senator took her leave,
And Anakin thought, “Man, I love her.”

The Assassins Plot Again

The young one was kinda bummed out.
He in fact even started to pout.
“Thought of her every day,
She just thinks I’m okay,
Did you see that? What’s that all about?”

Jar Jar said that Padme was happy.
Obi Wan told him not to get sappy.
“Padawan, please don’t sob
Let us just do our job.
Check security and make it snappy.”

Across town way up high on a ledge
Was some scum, the worst kind you could dredge.
Jango Fett and Zam Wesell
In a hovering vessel
Were making a murderous pledge.

Jango handed Zam Wesell a jar
With some centipedes, dire and bizarre.
As Zam took the cup,
Fett said, “Don’t mess this up,
Amidala must not win this war.”


Mace and Yoda traversed down a hall.
They were trying to make sense of it all.
The Dark Side was growing
And the Jedi weren’t knowing
Why the Light Side was starting to pall.

Meanwhile Anakin stood watching guard
Though his line of clear sight had been barred.
Padme hindered his view
But she programmed Artoo
To warn Ani if the going got hard.

When the Senator had gone to bed
Obi Wan kept no secrets and said,
“You can’t use her as bait
That was not our mandate
We should tighten security instead.”

Calmly Anakin said, “Relax, man.
Through the Force I can sense better than
Any sensor we’ve got.
Though that astro robot
Is now doing a perimeter scan.”

Little did they know that outside
A small probe gave two creatures a ride
It was making its way
To a sleeping Padme,
(T’was the worms that Jango supplied.)

Dreams Interrupted

“I’ve been having bad dreams,” Ani said.
“My mother is haunting my head.”
“These dreams will pass soon,
Even we aren’t immune
To our feelings which can be misread.”

While they talked, a small window appeared
Loud enough that Artoo woke and peered
A quick look around
It appeared safe and sound
So he switched off again...I know...weird.

Centipedes then proceeded to enter
While Ani conversed with his mentor.
They discussed politics
The mistrust it inflicts,
While the bugs inched their way t’wards the center.

Artoo woke up and shreiked in alarm.
The two bugs were now up Padme’s arm.
The Jedi sensed trouble
And they ran on the double
To keep Amidala from harm.

A Wild Ride

The bugs were ‘bout ready to bite
Poor Padme who slept through the night.
Lucky Anakins’ saber
Cut the worm... and his neighbor
And Padme was saved. Yay! Alright!

The droid was still hovering outside.
Obi Wan took no time to decide.
He was risking his...mass
As he jumped through the glass
And he took the bad droid for a ride.

As the droid carried Obi away
Down the Coruscant floating highway
Ani stormed the garage
And found a hodgepodge
Of fine speeders, but where’s the valet?

Obi Wan, hanging on real tight
Had a sweet birdseye view of the night
The droid did its best
To get rid of its guest
Giving Obi a turbulent flight.

Zam Wesell saw the droid’s botched return
And decided it was time it did burn.
She picked up her gun
And the droid’s days were done
In a fiery explosion, nocturne!

Obi Wan fell through space like a brick
Through traffic a hundred levels thick,
Until caught by a speeder
And I tell you, dear reader
That poor Obi was shocked and airsick.

The Chase Is On

“What took you so long?” Obi grilled,
Upset at almost getting killed.
“You want to hitchhike?
Couldn’t find one I like,”
Replied Ani, you could tell he was thrilled.

“My young padawan best bite his lips
And should work with his sword, not his quips.”
With Skywalker driving,
His ego was thriving
As after Zam Wesell he zips.

He drove like a bat out of hell.
Obi Wan wasn’t feeling so well.
“I don’t think you like flying,”
Said Anakin, sighing.
“Flying?! It’s suicide. Farewell!”

Obi Wan was coming unsnapped
Ani flew through an arc and got zapped.
For a moment seemed they’d lost’er
But Anakin regained his posture
Took a shortcut t’was perfectly mapped.

“Excuse me,” Anakin quipped.
Obi Wan thought his Padawan had flipped,
For he jumped o’er the side
And with gravity defied,
Landed on Wesell’s ride, (which he gripped).

Midair Struggle

Zam was startled to see a new rider
And then slammed on the brakes of the glider.
Ani flew to the front
Where he slammed with a grunt
...For a second Zam looked like a spider?

We will find that this Zam can disguise.
His face, as a Clawdite, defies
All laws of reason
To fit any season.
A shapeshifter loves to surprise.

So then Zam drew a gun and opened fire
Which ignited Ani’s sword and his ire.
The hero, so dashing
Proceeded with slashing
Until he dropped his light saber. Bad squire!

So with Skywalker’s sword in midair
Obi Wan made a nice flying snare.
He’d have words for Ani later,
About trying to take greater
Precautions with his Jedi hardware.

Crash Landing

Hand to hand Zam and Anakin fought
Til a hole in the floorboard was shot
Spinning out of control
As the fight took its toll
They crashed in a nightlife hotspot.

Zam Wesell ran off through a door
Obi Wan caught up just before
His padawan gave chase,
Obi slowed up his pace,
He had Anakin’s sword to restore.

“The assassin’s a changeling,” said Ani.
As he dusted the dust from his fanny.
“And I’ve cause to suspect
That the person who wrecked,
Is a woman, mid-twenties, not a granny.”

Kenobi advised they slow down.
He’d teach patience and care to this clown.
“I’ve a feeling you’ll be
The death of ol’ me,”
Said the dry Jedi Knight with a frown.

“I’m trying my best,” said the younger,
Hardly hiding his hankering hunger,
To get in and find ‘er
And shackle and bind ‘er
And send this assassin down under.

“Go get her,” Obi said with a wink.
“But be careful and please try to think.”
His young pupil was glowing
And asked, “Where you going?”
Obi Wan answered, “I need a drink.”

The Bar

Obi Wan then did enter the bar
And before he had gone very far
A dude with antennae...
or dreadlocks in henna?
Offered death sticks...whatever they are.

The Jedi just gestured his hand
For a trick the weak minded can’t stand
“You don’t want to sell this,”
He said, trying to dismiss.
And the weird dude repeated the command.

“Now go home and rethink your life, man”
The dude left from the bar, nay, he ran,
To go home and rethink.
Obi threw back a drink,
And he gave the rough bar a quick scan.

He sensed trouble which quickly he found.
I sensed Wesell and whipped right around.
He slashed with his sword
And then Zam Wesell roared,
‘Cuz her hand was now found on the ground.

Quickly Anakin rushed to his side,
Told the patrons, “We Jedi preside.
Go back to your beer,
Not a thing to see here.”
Then the Jedi took Wesell outside.


After bandaging Zam Wesell’s arm
And threatening no further harm,
He then questioned the con,
“After who have you gone?”
But Zam Wesell did not buy his charm.

“Tell me who are you working for, now!”
Said Anakin, with a angry eyebrow.
“A bounty hunter called...Juuuuuuhhh.”
Anakin replied “Huh?”
Wesell died, but the question was, how?

Then a WHOOSH as a jetpack took flight
Up above dissapearing from sight.
Obi Wan, being smart,
Looked and found a small dart
In the neck of the lifeless Clawdite.

Anakin's Solo Assignment

The next day these two Jedi reported
The near assassination they’d thwarted.
Obi Wan was assigned
To inquire and find
The Mando and the rockets he sported.

And now Ani was given a task,
Not a mystery case to unmask,
He’d continue his duty
To protect Padme’s booty
He’d volunteer in the case they didn’t ask.

They would have to return to Naboo,
Something he didn’t think think she would do.
Yoda said that she must
In their judgement keep trust.
If the Chancellor asked, she’d come through.

So to Palpatine’s chambers he went
To see if he’d lev’rage his bent
To persuade Amidala
To say, “Bye, give a holla!”
Or at least give reluctant consent.

The old Chancelor used this occasion
To influence with gentle persuasion,
And to stroke Ani’s pride
With a touch of Dark Side
You could say it was almost too brazen.

Anakin and Padme...Awkward...

Obi Wan had to voice his concern
At the choice of his youthful intern
To be Padme’s defender.
He thought him too tender
And too full of self, much to learn.

Master Yoda said, “Confidence friend.
His age he will have to transcend.
If he takes the right course
He will balance the Force.”
And Mace Windu did not move to contend.

Meanwhile Padme bequeathed her position
As Naboo’s elected polititian
To her friend, Jar Jar Binks,
Who, despite what we thinks,
Took it seriously, with humble ambition.

And then Skywalker tried to explain
The reason she couldn’t remain.
But she thought him a child
And it got Ani riled
His composure he had to regain.

She had to admit he was growing,
He even had some whiskers showing.
He looked deep in her eyes
Without trying to disguise
His feelings...yep, hormones were flowing.

Amidala then struggled to say,
“Please, don’t look at my face in that way.”
So Ani asked, “Why?”
They were suddenly shy.
And thus ended this awkward display.

Departing Coruscant

Dressed as peasants, the two made their way
To the spaceport where huge freighters lay
Taking cargo and crew,
Occasionally a few
Bargain travellers, sub-par, but hey...

Obi Wan told his student, “Goodbye.
Won’t be long ‘til I’ve found the bad guy.
Don’t do nothing at all
Not unless you first call
...if long distance, a charge may apply...”

Padme thanked Obi Wan then they parted,
But almost as soon as they’d started
Padme said, “I am scared.”
And then Ani declared,
“Me too,” (Awww...he’s kind hearted)

“But at least we have got ol’ Artoo!”
Padme laughed. (I admit, I did too.)
Obi Wan, who was waiting,
Ends the scene simply stating,
“I hope that this day we won’t rue.”

Dex's Diner

Obi Wan followed up on the dart
That made the assassin depart.
The analysis droid
Did a search, came up void!
And the droid was supposed to be smart.

If their system did not have a match,
Obi Wan had a taxi to catch,
Because way across town
Was a man of renown--
Dex would strings attached.

Dexter Jettster owned a cafe
In a place that was out of the way.
When he saw Obi Wan,
Who was like his own son,
He ran out with a friendly display.

They sat down, Obi showed him the dart.
Dexter looked then had this to impart:
“Well looky what we know,
This came from Kamino.
See the markings, right here on this part?”

Obi Wan hadn’t heard of that world
But this case had to soon be unfurled.
He thanked Dex for his time,
Shedding light on this crime.
Off to find where this odd planet twirled.

Younglings Help

Obi went to the archives again
For a map to this place that cloned men.
He tried to look where
Dex had’s not there!
Obi didn’t know where to go then.

With his lead getting cold and now waning,
He entered where younglings were training.
The kids were overseen
By the Master who’s green.
Basic Jedi techniques they were gaining.

“Kids, a visitor's here” Yoda said.
As they looked, Obi nodded his head.
“I’m sorry for disturbing,
But something quite perturbing.
Makes me fear that my trail has gone dead.

“It is likely that help you we can”
Said the short, green, and old, big-eared man.
“There’s an orbiting sphere
That’s supposed to be here,”
Pointed Obi, to a blank little span.

“Lost a planet? Embarrasing this.”
Master Yoda said, “Something’s amiss.”
Then an innocent faced
Youngling said, “It’s erased!”
Truly wonderful a child’s mind is.

Out of earshot, the Masters discussed
That this meant that a Jedi broke trust.
A whole planet was hidden
And this mystery was ridden
With betrayal. They just breached the crust.

Amidala Reports To The Queen

In the giant port city of Theed,
From the freighter our trio was freed.
Amidala and Ani,
With Artoo as the nanny,
Admired Naboo’s beauty indeed.

The humans shared stories of yore,
Remembrances of times before.
Like Padme’s short reign
And the people’s campain
To let Amidala rule more.

Amidala was glad to be through,
That her terms as queen numbered just two.
Though she quickly agreed
To be “Senator from Theed”.
Ani said, “The Republic needs you.”

Before long they were at the Queen’s court
With Coruscant news to report.
The queen named Jamillia
With whom I’m not
Questioned Count Dooku’s support.

“There are many,” the Senator said,
“Who are under Count Dooku’s wingspread.
If we dare enlist troops,
That would be a big ‘oops’,
It would mean civil war up ahead.”

“Does the Trade Federation still stand?
I had heard that some changes were planned
To reduce army size,
And if Gunray complies,
Then Hell will freeze over,” Queen panned.

“Ma’am, I doubt that we’ve had so much luck.
That Guild is still running amuck.
We don’t wan’t to have war,
Let us hope that a door
Will open so a deal can be struck.”


They discussed Padme’s safety and asked
With what steps the “Master” Jedi had tasked.
“Oh, he’s not a Master,”
Smiled Padme, much faster
Than Anakin, the padawan unmasked.

That Padme had rejected his lead.
Had Ani just a little bit teed.
It was true, he was young
So he just held his tongue.
Once again, he would have to concede.

Her idea really wasn’t so bad.
They’d hide out at a cool lakeside pad.
And had Anakin known
That he’d have her alone,
He would never have gotten so mad.

Far across the outreaches of space,
Obi Wan had arrived at the place
Where the dart had come from.
In a swirling maelstrom,
He landed. He was back on the case.

He was met by the tall, thin Taun We
Who revealed they’re expecting Obi.
He masked his surprise
Which turned out to be wise,
Without knowing, they spilled the beans, see?

What he found chilled him deep in his bones.
The Kaminoans explained in hushed tones,
“When he last came to see us
Your Master Sifo-Dyas
Had ordered an army of clones.”

A Kiss (Eeeewww, cover your eyes, kids!)

At the lakeside, a breathtaking scene,
The view from the lodge was serene.
She told stories from youth,
Anakin got uncouth...
Put the moves on...ya know what I mean?

As they talked, his stare grew more intense.
She was soft’ning, still riding the fence.
He leaned in and kissed her
She was not a resister,
Not at first...but then girls don’t make sense.

She apologized, “This isn’t right.”
It was more a safeguard than a slight.
A pained look on his face,
Ani slowed up the pace.
Pretending to agree, but not quite.

The tour at Kamino moved on,
His initial surprise almost gone.
As the cloner chief boasted,
Obi asked who had hosted,
He asked who’s DNA they had drawn.

T’was a hunter of bounties, named Fett
Who had not left the premises yet.
Obi Wan asked to meet him
(To catch and defeat him)
This hunter perhaps was Padme’s threat.

More Disgusting Flirting
(Almost done with this part, I promise!)

On Naboo, Ani had to change gears.
He asked Padme, “Think back a few years...
Tell me ‘bout your first crush.”
Without blushing a blush
She said, “Curly hair Palo?” Ani sneers.

“He became an artist, “ she doted,
“I went into politics and voted.”
“Maybe going into art
Was a little more smart,”
Noted Ani, who mischievously gloated.

“I get the sense you don’t like politicians”
Said the object of Ani’s ambitions.
“Oh...there’s two or three,
And another...maybe
That I’ve met on a few of my missions.”

He complained that the system was broken,
That solutions were not often spoken,
Padme explained that they tried
But that often each side
Had flexibility that was oaken.

“Then something that occurs to me
Is that they should be made to agree,
By a strong and wise leader
And not a heart bleeder,”
Said Ani, a little idealistically.

“So you think that a despot should rule?”
Amidala asked, losing her cool.
“If it works,” Ani shrugged.
She ‘bout near came unplugged,
‘Til it dawned that he was playing the fool.

They were there for the whole afternoon
In the meadow, these two did commune.
There was more issue skirting
And some really bad flirting,
But I’d rather be gagged with a spoon.