The Phantom Menace

The Saga Begins 

A long time ago and far faraway,
a story was told of an epic space fray.
The good and the bad
In the life of a lad,
How he was lost but then found his way.

The story begins out in the cold of space
With two creatures of the Neimoidian race,
Questionable men of space trade
Imposing a blockade
And curiously devoid of a nose on their face.

On their command ship they welcomed aboard
Two Jedi (galactic peacekeepers, with sword).
Qui Gon Jinn was the older,
and Obi Wan at his shoulder,
Their mission: to see the trade routes restored.

The Neimoidians shivered with fear.
The Jedi weren’t supposed to be here.
Like two snakes in the grass
They gassed ‘em with gas
And sent in a droid to give the “All’s clear.”

The Jedi were good at holding their breath
Which was helpful in avoiding certain death.
It was still quite a chore
To cut through the door
And emerge in the corridor, Oh yeth! (Pardon the temporary lisp)

Their escape drew the Neimoidian’s ire
The destroyer droids then opened fire.
Outnumbered and out-gunned,
The two Jedi runned
And along the way a few droids they did retire.

They escaped down the ventilation shaft
Amazed at the army the Federation staffed.
To warn the Naboo
Was the Jedi thing to do
So they stowed away on separate landing craft.

The Queen Makes Some Calls

A young queen with painted dots on her cheeks
Contacted the Trade Federations’ sheiks
“You will soon be made
To end this blockade.”
She informed the Neimoidian freaks.

“We don’t know what you are talking about,”
Said Nute Gunray, a cowardly being sans snout,
“You look very regal
But, our boycott is legal,
And the Senate will approve it, no doubt.”

As soon as the Queen hung up the phone
And the Neimoidians were sure they were alone,
Nute said, “Now is the time
For our nefarious crime,
C’mon, we’ve a queen to dethrone.

Meanwhile on the planet Naboo,
The Queen tried to put a call through
To Coruscant’s Chancellor
But the Federation cancelled her.
Communications planet wide were askew.

“They don’t get any message we’re sending
We must defend from the invasion impending,”
Said the queen’s top advisor.
Nobody was wiser
But the queen favored olive branch extending.

Meet Jar Jar Binks

The landing craft descended down,
Obi Wan was glad to be on the ground.
The droids moved out
Took the swampy route
And Obi Wan attempted to not be found.

The droid army’s advancement ensued
Qui Gon was being pursued.
Before he could get far
He ran into Jar Jar
Who was foraging the swamps for some food.

“Get out of the way!” Qui Gon waved.
But accidentally Jar Jar’s life he saved
Just as soon as they met
Jar Jar owed him a life debt
His grateful thanks were babbled and raved

“Calm down, giant frog without brain!”
Qui Gon chastised with unmasked disdain.
“I see you can speak,
But your mind is weak,
And you’re getting to be kind of a pain."

Just then, Obi Wan emerged from the mist
Chased by droids shooting lasers that missed
Qui Gon again saved the day
With some skillful swordplay
Batting lasers with the flick of the wrist.

The Jedi needed a place they could hide
To escape the “terrible things” they implied
Jar Jar said, “Wessa go thither”
But then reconsidered
“Meesa 'fraid my been banished”, he sighed.

The sound of machines soon convinced
He’d rather go home than be minced
“I’ll show you the way,
Follow me, okieday?”
The Jedi looked at each other and winced.

Otoh Gunga City

To the waters edge Jar Jar did take
The two Jedi, and then he spake,
“Weesa going in.”
And did a half spin,
Then the three of them jumped in the lake.

Breathing apparatuses made swimming no trouble
As the trio approached a glowing bubble
They squeezed through its skin
And “pop” they were in
But surrounded by guards on the double.

They were taken to a large Gungan named Boss
Whose cheeks shook when he was cross
He said, “You must go,
Here, take this bongo.
It’s faster to go through than across.”

They took a straight route through the core,
Each fish bigger than the one they saw before.
Jar Jar he did cower
When the bongo lost power
His poor heart just couldn’t take it much more.

Obi Wan fixed the power, Jar Jar said,"We're dead!"
And true danger did indeed lie up ahead.
An ugly fish face
Started to give chase
But was eaten by a bigger fish instead.

Welcome To Theed

Meanwhile, up on the surface in Theed,
To the Federation, Naboo did concede.
Nute Gunray looked mean
As he said, "Heya, Queen…
I’ve got a new contract for you to read!”

“What a waste of time for you to pen it,
I’m sure it will be laughed out of the Senate.
”Said the Queen to old Nute,
The man with no snoot.
And you’d better believe that she meant it.

“Take these prisoners out of my sight.”
Shouted Nute Gunray, irked by the queen’s spite.
Elsewhere, out on the bay,
Coming to save the day
A bongo with a Gungan and two Jedi Knights.

The droids marched their prisoners single file
“This will be easy!” Qui Gon smiled.
They jumped down from above,
And applied a Force shove
And reduced the droid soldiers to a pile.

Introductions were made all around.
They determined a ship must be found.
It caused great grief
To the Security chief
For the danger to the Queen Naboo crowned.

Queen Amidala agreed that she must go.
To the Senate this treachery she'd show.
With the Senators’ backing
She’d send Gunray packing
And again Naboo’s trade routes would flow.

Into the hangar, the gallant group strode
Through the droid army, the two Jedi mowed.
They all got on the ship
And they started their trip
To Coruscant, the Senate’s abode.

Getting Past the Blockade

Dodging laser fire from the hangar door
The Naboo cruiser took off with a roar.
They sped through the sky
And continued to fly
Straight towards the blockade ships and war.

Knowing clumsiness could lead to their doom
Obi Wan confined Jar Jar to a small room.
“Here you must stay,
Don’t get in the way.”
And he left Jar Jar there in the gloom.

Jar Jar’s attention was soon enjoyed
By a quintet of astromech droids.
Until the lights all flashed red
When the shields went dead
And the ship saving astromechs deployed.

They made repairs outside of the ship,
Using feet with handy magnetic grip.
One by one they were blasted,
Until only one lasted,
The R2 unit worked with a bleep and blip.

And at last the shields were restored.
Past the blockade the Naboo cruiser soared
But their progress was barred
Cuz’ the hyperdrive was charred
So off to Tattooine to get the ship restored

Enter Darth Maul

In a conference call with the Sith Lord
The Neimoidian commanders were implored
“Viceroy, find that ship,
I don’t want any lip.
Don’t leave any location unexplored.”

“But sir, they are out of our range.
And we think their destination has changed.”
“Then effective forthwith
This is a job for a Sith!
Meet my apprentice, he has horns and he’s strange.”

The hologram faded and closed.
Nute Gunray was neither cool or composed.
“I think we will rue this,
Now there are TWO Sith!”
If the Jedi find out, then we’re hosed!”

Meanwhile on the ship from Naboo,
Amidala was commending Artoo
The Queen gave a royal
“My, aren’t you loyal?”
And bid Artoo Deetoo adieu.

The Jedi and the Queen then made a plan
On what they would do when they land.
The Captain from Theed
Said he disagreed
Tatooine was crawling with Hutts and sand.


The ship touched down with a big puff of dust,
They looked at the hyperdrive, a new generator a must
They’d have to hit town
And get the lowdown
On what it cost for the parts, Mos Espa or bust!

“Don’t send any signals,” Qui Gon said,
“I sense something dark, in my head.”
Obi Wan agreed,
Ever since Theed
He’d had the same feeling that he couldn’t shed.

Qui Gon set out with Jar Jar and Artoo,
When Panaka shouted out, “Hey you!
“The queen doth demand,
To add to your band,
Take Padme along with you too.”

The foursome travelled into the city.
The inhabitants were exotic and gritty.
Jar Jar trampled straight through
A big pile of poodoo
The bottom of his foot wasn’t pretty.

They entered an establishment full of junk
Owned by Watto, a hummingbird with a trunk
“I’m browsing the marts
For some Nubian parts.”
Said Qui Gon to the hovering chunk.

Watto said, “Ah, yes, we have lots of that!
Where’s that boy? Anakin, get in here, brat.”
In his employ
Was a wee little  boy,
Who loved to fix things and to chat.

Anakin Meets Padme

While Watto and Qui Gon went out back
Anakin seemed somewhat taken aback.
In Padme’s presence he basked.
“Are you an angel?” he asked.
Padme laughed and she smiled just a crack.

“Well you sure are a funny little man.
I’ve never heard of angels,” she began.
“I’d know if I see one,
Therefore you must be one.”
Said the boy, her new number one fan.

Padme learned that the boy was a slave
Owned by Hutts and now Watto’s lucky knave.
To be owned seemed so odd,
It should be outlawed
Thought Padme, but the boy acted brave.

They were cut off by Jar Jar’s commotion.
He’d activated a droid without a notion.
It scrambled about
Until Jar Jar hit the snout
Jar Jar truly was a fish without ocean.

Haggling With Watto

Watto wrung his hands, it was clear he was greedy,
A mischievous grin and black eyes that were beady.
“Right here is the part
Makes your hyperdrive start
Open your wallet and try to make it speedy.”

“The price I will charge may seem like a rip.
In fact you may as well buy a new ship.
And how will you pay
For your purchase today?
Keep in mind I only take Tatooine scrip.

The Jedi said, “I’ve twenty thousand credit...”
But was cut off as soon as he’d said it.
“Let me make myself clear,
Republic credit’s no good out here,”
Said the Toydarian, voice as firm as he could get it.

Qui Gon still had a trick up his sleeve,
One that works on the slow and naive.
He waved his hand with a smirk
And said his credits would work
But the Toydarian still didn’t believe.

“Who do you think you are, sonny?
A Jedi Knight? Ha! Now that’s funny!
You are crazy mystics
With your waves and your tricks,
They don’t work on a Toydarian, only money!”

Watto’s prices were akin to theiving,
And rather than whining and greiving,
Qui Gon said to his group,
“I won’t take Watto’s poop.
Jar Jar, put that thing down, we are leaving.”

When his shoppers had left and withdrawn
Watto saw his young assistant yawn.
He was shrewd and he was smart
But he did have a heart.
“Clean the racks, boy, and then you be gone!”

Don't Mess With Sebulba

Qui Gon contacted his pupil, Obi Wan.
To see if the ship had anything thereon
to trade and do barter
For a hyperdrive starter
But there wasn’t enought there to pawn.

Our heroes walked along past a deli.
Jar Jar wanted to fill his poor belly.
Swiped a treat with his tongue
But he slipped and it flung
Splattering an angry customer with jelly.

The victim leaped out like a fiend,
Feeling abased and abused and demeaned.
Grabbed the Gungan and grilled him
And probably woulda’ killed him
Had Anakin Skywalker not intervened.

“Be careful, Sebulba,” Ani chided
To the Dug with self assurance he prided.
“He’s got a powerful friend
Who would see to your end
It would be a shame to get him excited.”

Sebulba threatened Ani to watch his back.
He’d repay him on the podrace track.
Noting him as a foe,
He let Jar Jar go
Just this once he would cut them some slack.

“Around here you must watch where you step.”
Said young Anakin, street savvy and hep.
“You must get back to your craft.
Are you feeling that draft?
We’re about to get sanded and windswept.”

They paused in one of Mos Espa’s alleys
To buy a kind of fruit they called “pallies”.
“Storm’s coming, Ani,
Better hurry your fanny
And get indoors  before the sandstorm rallies.”

The storm came so suddenly, leaving no time
To make it all the way back in this clime.
To wait out this maelstrom
He’d take them home to his mom
And hurry...the wind was reaching it’s prime.

Mama Skywalker

Anakin brought the four strangers home,
A small hovel made of clay, topped with dome.
With big widened eyes
His mom showed surprise
But graciously offered, “Shalom!”

Anakin introduced those he’d befriended.
Qui Gon apologized if their presence offended.
But Shmi acted nice
And Ani broke the ice
By showing them the droid that he’d mended.

Qui Gon Jin didn’t want to intrude.
He told Shmi that they brought their own food.
He complimented her boy
And her eyes shone with joy.
She wondered how Ani’s “talents” would be viewed.

“He’s a protocol droid” Anakin showed.
He took the droid out of sleep mode.
One eye lit with a glow,
“My name’s C3PO,
Human - Cyborg relations,” he crowed.

“I’m building a pod for the races,”
Said Ani to four impressed faces.
Artoo beeped and he cooed,
Saying Threepio was nude,
Parts were showing in improper places.

Found By The Sith

Meanwhile back at the ship, Obi Wan
Viewing a fuzzy transmission
Naboo still was beset
With the droids that upset
The way things were typically done.

“Naboo has been sacked and assailed”
Amidala’s top advisor wailed,
“P.S. Please write back,
We are starting to crack...”
Then the hologram flickered then failed.

Obi saw through the plea as a trick,
Though the queen appeared visibly sick.
They sent no reply
Yet somehow a spy
Traced the message and trouble grew thick.

The Sith had located their prey
Darth Maul longed for some decent swordplay
“I’ll take out the Jedi
And when they are dead I
Will bring the queen back here, ok?”

Darth Sidious praised his right hand.
It was happening just like they planned
Revenge they’d have yet
And then they would get
The Republic under their own command.

Anakin Can Help

Seated at the table for dinner
Jar Jar was a slurper and grinner
He snatched with his tongue
Qui Gon caught him and clung,
“Don’t do that again or I’ll skin’yer.”

They talked about attempts at tracing
Chips placed in the slaves' outer casing.
If a slave tries to run,
They’re pretty much done
That’s the fate the Skywalkers were facing.

Anakin had an unlikely skill
For which most other humans would kill
For most people lacked
The ability to react
Quick enough to aim a podracer’s grill.

Qui Gon asked, “it takes skills, am I right?”
“To keep a podracer in flight?”
Said Shmi’s little son,
“I’m the only one,
Who can do it and come out all right.”

“But now, I’ve a question for you,
Tell me what you came here to do?
You’ve got a laser sword
and you’re not a Sith lord
...You’ve come for a slave boy rescue!”

Qui Gon said, “Answer’s no, I’m afraid.”
But the boy still would not be dismayed.
“I think I see clear,
Why else would you be here?
I’ll come with and grow a padawan braid.”

“I can help you win the parts from Watto.
He’s addicted to gambling and lotto.
I could race with the pods
Giving favorable odds
Letting greed be the downfall of Watto.”

Shmi said, “It’s a horrible sport.”
Watching Ani made her whole face contort.
“He’s my precious whelp
But I guess he can help
Win the parts to help fix your transport.”

Watto Takes The Bait

The queen’s handmaiden disagreed
About the best way to proceed
“To trust this boy with our fate
Is an idea that I hate.”
But Qui Gon said she’d have to concede.

So they went to Watto with their offer
And he changed from schemer to scoffer
It wasn’t long to wait
until he took the bait,
Watto dreamed of a very full coffer.

Ani showed off his lil’ racing pod
Jar Jar blundered again like a clod
With a flash and a flicker
He ZAPPED his poor licker
While the onlookers laughed and guffawed.

When Jar Jar was done playing the jerk
Ani started up the pod with a smirk
With engines a-fired
His craft was admired
They were beginning to think this might work!

That night Qui Gon took a small reading
From a scratch on Ani’s arm that was bleeding
Midi-chlorians explode-ah
He had more than Yoda!
Jedi training, this boy was sure needing!

Race Day

Out in the desert that night
Arrived a most frightening sight.
Some hovering balls,
Probe droids of Darth Maul’s,
Made their way through the silver moonlight.

The next day’s excitement was major
Qui Gon and Watto made a wager.
The Jedi rigged the bet
So the prize he would get
Was freedom for the pre-teenager.

Meanwhile, Padme’s hopes were diminished
The odds were further worse than she wished
Despite his reputation,
Ani had never won
And even worse, he’d never finished!

The two-headed announcer got started
With opening banter, light hearted.
The crowd all hurrayed
At the opening parade,
Pods to the starting line were carted.

Sebulba was a pilot quite brash,
to Anakin he started talking trash.
You don’t think you’ll win do you?
Because you’re bantha poodoo,
You won’t walk away from this when you crash.”

“Drivers, start your engines now please”
Said the two headed announcer in Huttese.
They didn’t wait long
For the sound of the gong
The pods took off, all except for Ani’s!

Ani Catches Up

A few tries and finally ignition.
Full throttle with youthful ambition!
Then using the Force,
He sped through the course,
Dodging a Tusken Raider firing munition.

Moving up from the back of the pack
Sometime flying through debris and flak
But lessening the meters
Between him and the leaders
He was mounting a spectacular comeback.

As the pods passed the stands for lap one,
Shmi searched the track for her son.
Hearing familiar hums,
Padme yelled, “Here he comes!”
Two more laps to go til it’s done.

He was now sixth after starting out last
More than half of the racers he’d passed.
Flashing vents, bumping fenders
He caught up to the contenders
The ones whom Sebulba harassed.

After two laps we had a good race
Though Sebulba was still in first place.
But hot on his heels,
Anakin steals
The momentum and keeps up the chase.

Sebulba bumped Ani off track
With an underhanded cheater attack.
The boy flew through the sky
It was almost too high,
Then he swooped past Sebulba...”I’m ba-ack!”


Sebulba was seriously ticked.
He had some more tricks to inflict.
He got back in front
By pulling a stunt
But Ani was hard to predict.

The final stretch was neck and neck.
Sebulba tried one last cheap peck.
But it didn’t work out
He went spinning about
And Sebulba was the one who did wreck.

Ani crossed the finish line alone.
The crowd cheered a deafening tone.
They hoisted him high
This teeny little guy
Was amazing, the race that he’d flown

Watto was not near as pleased.
“I think that you cheated,” he wheezed.
But he’d have to be nuts
To take it up with the Hutts
So he freed the boy, his servitude ceased.

Back in the shadows undiscovered
A Sith probe droid watched while it hovered
The nasty machine
Recorded the scene
Then flew back to the Sith to be recovered.

Ani Leaves Home

Collecting the new parts from the loser,
They returned to the Nubian cruiser.
Obi Wan then prepares
To start the repairs.
No mechanic, but beggars can’t be chosers.

Qui Gon said, “I’ve got to go back.”
“That kid had the Jedi Knight knack.”
He returned to inform
“Another pathetic life form”
That he was free, and to run and go pack.

When he told the Skywalkers the news
A bittersweet moment ensues.
Ani’s glad to be free
But what about Shmi?
Qui Gon tried , Watto would only refuse.

“My son, you must go with this man.
I’ll stay here and do the best that I can.
Jedi skills you’ll be gaining.
Go work hard at your training.
And know I’ll always be your biggest fan.”

The little boy started to cry
But he knew that he must say goodbye.
“Someday I will see you
When I come back to free you”
Even the old Jedi had a tear in his eye.

Darth Maul Strikes!

The trip to the ship then commenced.
Though danger, Qui Gon had sensed.
The embodiment of dread,
With a swirl of black and red,
Drew a sword and then he and Qui Gon fenced.

The two traded incredible blows
They were two evenly matched foes.
With an impressive back flip
Qui Gon landed on the ship
Darth Maul watched as the cruiser arose.

Obi Wan cried, “Master what was that?”
Qui Gon breathing hard where he sat,
“I sensed the Dark Side flowing,
It’s a good thing we got going,
It was well trained in Jedi combat.”

For the first time since the party had left Theed
They had a working hyperdrive to proceed.
Once the engines were prime
They wasted no time
To hit the hyperdrive and enter light speed.

Ani was adjusting to space’s cold.
Padme gave him her jacket to hold.
He gave her a trinket
And told her to think it
Was to remember him (‘cuz that’s how he rolled.)


Following the short hyperspace jaunt,
The silver ship arrived at Coruscant.
Not itty bitty
The whole world was city,
The center of the galactic entente.

As Anakin took in the scene,
They greeted Senator Palpatine.
“After this greeting,
The Senate is meeting,
To hear a report from the Queen.”

Palpatine imparted some wisdom
About the flaws inherent in the system
“I see some complications
With this unwieldy ‘League of Nations’
They only care about what benefits them.”

When asked if they had Valorum on their side
Palpatine closed his eyes and he sighed.
“The Chancellor will flub it
He’s only a puppet
He means well, but his weak hands are tied.”

The queen asked, “What trouble did befall him?”
“The bureaucrats worked hard to stonewall him.”
Palpatine was precise
As he gave this advice:
“Well I suppose we could vote to recall him.”

The Jedi Council

Qui Gon reported to the Council Twelve.
Into lore and legend this delved.
Long considered a myth,
The return of the Sith
Would cause other concerns to be shelved.

Until the Sith’s motives were seen,
The Jedi must protect the Queen.
Oh, and one more thing,
Or rather a youngling...
What did his midi-chlorian count mean?

Yoda said the boy must be tested
Before too much hope was invested.
He may be the source
That would balance the Force
At least that’s what the prophecy suggested.

A debate in the Senate did ensue
Regarding the situation on Naboo.
But the galaxy’s leaders
Had rules and procedures
Many that were devoid of virtue.

Amidala said, “We need help NOW!”
No time for committees to plow
Through all the red tape.
We are in dire shape.
We must have resolution somehow.”

If this body cannot move to take action
Because of the Trade Federation faction,
Then I’m left with no choice
But to fight with my voice...
I move for the Chancellor’s retraction.”

The Senate was in an uproar.
Bail Organa then took the floor.
“We second the motion
Despite his devotion,
The Chancellor is effective no more.”

Anakin's Test

Obi Wan Kenobi and Qui Gon Jin
Discussed the fate of Anakin
“The Council is not sold,
The boy is too old
For training,” Obi Wan said again.

But Qui Gon was bound and determined
He was smart but defiant and thick skinned.
If the council forbid
Him to train the young kid
He’d go it alone, Jedi code rescind.

In Council chambers the test proceded
To see if Ani had the attitude he needed.
It was anger and fear
That Yoda did hear
But they continued because Anakin pleaded.

From the Senate there was a report
That Palpatine had the most support
Of Senators for him
To succeed Valorum
He’d stay here and hold down the fort.

Queen Amidala on the other hand,
Desired to go back to her homeland.
“Please ready my ship,
We’ll now make the trip
Back to Naboo where we’ll take a stand.”

Yoda a decision had made.
Anakin’s training was forbade.
Qui Gon made it clear
That he would not adhere,
The Council’s edict would not be obeyed

“There’s no time to discuss this right now.
Amidala’s protection we vow.
Return to Naboo
May the Force be with you
But don’t teach that kid nothing, no how!”

The Return To Naboo

Ani was told to ‘watch and learn’
No “training” but the boy could discern
What he was conveying
If Ani was paying
Attention as Qui Gon’s intern.

They met at the ship clad in chrome,
Again ‘cross the stars they would roam,
It was back to Naboo.
Jar Jar shouted, “Yahoo!
“Wessa be goin’ back home!”

Sidious was leaving no doubts
With his Neimoidian pawns without snouts.
“You must kill them all,
But I’m sending Darth Maul
To deal with the Jedi standouts.”

The Naboo pilot gave Ani some tips
About flying on these deep space trips.
Ani caught on quick
These things seemed to click
The boy seemed right at home aboard ships.

Qui Gon reminded the Naboo
He could only protect, not pursue.
The Queen had a plan,
That involved the frog man.
Jar Jar would have to come through.

In the swamp where the ship touched down,
Jar Jar headed for his Gungan hometown.
But when he got there
He found it was bare
And so he returned with a frown.

They could tell by the look on his face
The Gungans were not at their base.
But they hadn’t been captured
Or secretly raptured,
They fled to a Gungan hiding place.

Treaty At The Temple Ruins

Jar Jar led his friends through the glade
To the place where the Gungans stayed.
Jar Jar gave a whistle,
The bushes did bristle,
And out came Captian Tarpals’ brigade.

The Captain was now at a loss
This intrusion was making him cross.
Jar Jar smiled weakly
And then he spoke meekly,
“Weesa comin’ ta see the Boss?”

He brought the group before Boss Nass
To explain why they dared to trespass.
Boss Nass placed the blame
Of why the droid army came
On the Naboo and the Jedi en masse.

They were about to be turned into soup
When Padme stepped out from the troop.
“This decoy’s a screen,
I am the real queen.
And we’ll need to work together as a group.”

“We’ve lived here in peace all this time.
But thanks to this Federation slime,
To put up a resistance,
We need your assistance
Can you help put to justice this crime?”

Boss was moved by the queen’s humble pleas.
Padme even got down on her knees.
“We thought you were pompous,
But the droid army will stomp us,
If we don’t start being friends,” Boss agrees.

The Battle Plan

“We’ve located the ship,” Gunray said,
To Sidious’s floating hologram head.
“Her move is too bold,
But let it unfold.
Keep an eye on her and don’t be misled.”

The Queen and her new found comrade
Wrote out battle plans on an old scratch pad.
Jar Jar practically floated
When he was promoted,
“Weesa maken you General (Bombad)!”

The plan was to draw the droids out
To the Gungan army for a direct bout.
Then a group of Naboo
Would try to sneak through
And capture Mr. Viceroy Sans Snout.

“The Gungans might take a great loss,”
Said Qui Gon, looking out across.
“We’re not faint of heart.
We will do our part.”
Said the giant Gungan named Boss.

“If we can free a few pilots en route
We could launch some small ships in pursuit.
With the control ship destroyed,
Their communication would be void,
And the battle droids wouldn’t know who to shoot.

Qui Gon said, “This plan is well thought out
But in order to bring it about
We HAVE to catch Nute,
And your fighters MUST shoot
Through the shields of the control ship, no doubt.


The Gungans approached Theed head on,
Darth Maul said, “This must be a con.
They try to deceive,
There’s a trick up their sleeve,
I wouldn’t put it past a Jedi like Qui Gon.

The Viceroy said, “Shall we proceed?”
“Wipe them all out,” Sidious agreed.
So the Federation tanks
Formed up their ranks
And thus started the battle for Theed.

The Gungans started up their energy shield
Two armies faced each other cross the field.
And then the entire
Droid Army opened fire,
But the Gungan defenses didn’t yield.

Meanwhile outside Theed’s main hangar,
The Naboo, with indignant anger,
Stormed their way in
Slicing soldiers of tin
Into spare parts of disheartened languor.

The Nemoidians watched on a screen
The unfolding hangar battle scene.
“The battle’s so near!”
Said Nute, hiding fear.
Darth Maul left to go confront the Queen.

On the plain, the droid tanks ceased fire.
A new tactic they would require
The Gungans were floored
To see an infinite horde
Of robots marching down to the mire.

The droids were ordered to charge.
The Gungans eyeballs got large
They fired a shower
of balls made of power
That made the droids spark and discharge.

Anakin Stays Put

Ani hid in a ship with Artoo.
And watched as the pilots of Naboo
Rose up to skies
Like a whole swarm of flies
Okay...not a swarm... but quite a few.

The queen said, “Let’s head for the throne.”
“Wait for me!” Anakin did intone.
“Anakin, stay your feet,
Keep your butt in that seat.”
Said Qui Gon, making his authority known.

The group made their way towards the hall.
They were met at the door by Darth Maul.
Protecting their neighbors
The Jedi lit their sabers
And said, “We’ll take care o’ this one, y’all.”

At the same time some battle droids rolled in.
Separating Amidala from Qui Gon Jin.
But R2D2
Knew just what to do
And started up the fighter for the win!

Anakin was learning the controls
There was blinking buttons and consoles.
With a gleeful snigger
He pulled on the trigger
And decorated the battle droids with holes.

With the Jedi engaging Darth Maul,
Amidala’s crew ran down the hall.
And out the hangar flew
Anakin and Artoo
And up to the outer space brawl.

On the ground, a swashbuckling ado,
Darth Maul’s moves were akin to Kung Fu.
He leaped and he jumped
And the Jedi were stumped
Because Maul had not one blade, but two!

The Battles Rage

Out in the battle on the plains
Binks was tangled in a droids remains
He shimmied and shook
But with each step he took
The laser fired and fried more droids brains.

The droid captain was not satisfied
With the progress achieved by his side.
The wheel droids were told
To roll in and unfold
And when they did, many Gungans died.

Up above, Ani argued with Artoo.
The autopilot they couldn’t undo.
They were headed straight for
The Federation’s core
The Command Ship that terrorized Naboo.

Down below, the Jedi fought the Sith
They were having some problems with.
Every tactic they applied,
He took it right in stride
He’d be a hard one to defeat forthwith.

Amidala and her troops were hunkered down,
In a hallway hiding from the droids they found.
So out the window they went
And made a short ascent
Straight up the wall they were throne room bound.

In the field, the battle was heated.
Overmatched, the Gungans retreated.
Jar Jar slipped and he falls
And spilt the energy balls
Which rolled down the hill and destruction meted.

Anakin Takes Control

In a fighter ship that flew on its own
Was a boy who was only half grown.
He drifted in the void
With his astromech droid
And their situation took a dire tone.

A ship blew up right behind them
The flash did temporarily blind them
Anakin said, “Artoo,
Could you find out if you
Can find the autopilot wires and unwind them?”

Artoo had blue lights and red
And noises that came out of his head
There’s bleeps and there’s bloops
And they come out in groups
And somehow Anakin knows what he’s said.

To the left Ani slightly nudged his stick
And his wing dipped and waved just a tick.
“Way to go Artoo!
I knew you’d come through.
Now I can steer in this hostile traffic!”

Artoo said, “Bleep Bleep Blip Blip.”
Which meant, “lets go back...end of trip”
But Ani wasn’t done,
Dog fighting was fun
“Qui Gon told me to stay in this ship!”

With the enemy hot on his tail
Ani tried to shake him to no avail.
The enemy laser spit
And Anakin was hit
Causing Artoo to beep and wail.

By the time control was regained
In the landing bay, Ani’s ship was contained
When they finally stopped,
Artoo whistled and popped,
Warning of the battle droids attention they’d attained.

Qui Gon vs. Darth Maul

Darth Maul and our two Jedi champs
Were leaping over catwalks and ramps
Obi Wan took a fall
From a kick by Darth Maul
Who into a ray shielded corridor encamps.

Qui Gon Jin on his own did give chase
After the Sith with the black and red face
The ray shield was on
And then it was gone.
And down the hallway they did race.

From the hallway Darth Maul did emerge,
Just before another ray shield surge.
Qui Gon had to wait
Just outside the gate
Before this evil Sith he could purge.

Qui Gon sat in a peaceful calm stance.
Hardly giving Maul a second glance.
The Sith stared and sneered.
Obi Wan finally appeared
At the other end of the corridor’s expanse.

When the ray shields were opened again,
Another bout for the weary swordsmen.
Obi sprinted down the hall
And past most of the ray walls
Unfortunately there were eleven, not ten.

So Qui Gon attacked one on one.
Had he waited for Obi, he might have won.
Darth Maul punched his chin
And thrust his sword in
And poor Qui Gon Jin’s fight was done!

Obi Wan looked on in anguished shock.
And waited for the door to unlock
With no time to grieve
He tried to believe
That he had himself a Sith to defrock.

The Darkest Hour

As if Qui Gon’s defeat weren’t enough
Everywhere else, the going was rough.
With the Gungans retreating,
The queen’s chances fleeting,
And even Anakin’s situation was tough.

The Gungan’s battle shields were destroyed
And the Federation army’s tanks were deployed.
And even in retreat,
Jar Jar’s stumbling feet
Were a menace to the unwary battle droid.

The outcome on the battlefield looked bleak.
The Gungan’s found themselves up a creek.
We’ve carried out our routine,
Now I just hope the queen
Has had time now to work her technique.

In fact, the queen’s party had been caught.
A bit short of their targeted spot.
They gave up their guns
To the Viceroy’s minions
The whole plan seemed to be going for naught.

Four Neimoidians stood in a line
Their intentions were nothing benign.
“You tried and you failed,
The Federation prevailed,
Once again, queen, here’s the treaty, now sign!”

Tides Turned

Another “queen” appeared at the door.
The Neimoidians’ jaws hit the floor.
“Get her!” Nute cried
But pursuit did divide
As half the droids after her tore.

“Your queen will not escape,” Gunray bragged.
Down in her chair Amidala sagged
A secret drawer opens
Where she’s hidden some guns
And soon the rest of the droids are bagged.

Nute realized that he had been burned.
The tides of this skirmish had turned.
But if he could delay,
More droids would come this way
And then his control would be returned.

As soon as the ray shields unlit
Obi Wan attacked with vengeance and grit
He fought with great vigor
But Maul’s vigor was bigger
And he knocked Obi Wan down a pit.

Darth Maul’s eyes were crazy and wild.
It was even creepier when he smiled.
Obi gathered his strength
As he measured the length
Between his saber, the floor and Mr. Reviled.

Maul’s last words resembled a laugh.
His cockiness proved a fatal gaffe.
With an amazing backflip
And Qui Gon’s sword in his grip,
Obi Wan sliced Darth Maul’s body in half.

Qui Gon, dying of the wound in his chest,
Pleaded with Obi a last request
“Even if it’s forbid,
You have to train that kid.”
Then at last, Qui Gon was ready for eternal rest.


Keeping his promise to Qui Gon to stay seated,
Ani’s starfighter was reposed and overheated.
Indicators of red
Meant the systems were dead
But Artoo was working as he whistled and tweeted.

A Battle Droid strode up, “Where’s your pilot?”
Artoo replied (in droid), “Dude, I fly it.”
Battle Droid said, “Funny,
Now show me some ID.”
The indicators turned green, so Ani tried it.

One button press fired a laser blast
And mowed down the enemy that had amassed.
Ani wanted more
”What’s this other button for?”
So he pressed it and two torpedoes whistled past.

Torpedoes missed the droids and went astray.
“I missed Artoo, now lets fly away.”
But he forgot to factor
The ship’s main reactor
His accidental target saved the day!

But now there was no time to wait.
The command ship was in a serious state.
Without any dawdle
Ani hit the throttle
And escaped just as it did detonate.

With the command ship blown into bits,
The droid army lost all it’s wits.
When the fireball appeared
The Gungans all cheered
And the robots all fell down and called it quits.

When Ani and Artoo reached the ground
They were unaware at the fame they’d found
The other pilots were eyeing
This boy of superb flying
He didn’t understand why they gathered ‘round.

The End!

So the game seemed to be up for Nute and Rune
Even with powerful ties, they weren’t immune.
Amadala gave up their custody
To Palpatine and trusted he
Would see them brought to justice in front of tribune.

Congratulation then were passed around
Palpatine had political power newly found
He promised not to cease
Working for galactic peace
Palpatine knew how to project an assuring sound.

Yoda then conferred with Obi-Wan
The possibility that Ani was the Chosen One
“You are now a Jedi Knight
But I still don’t think it’s right
For you to take Ani as your padawan.

That night they gathered for a funeral pyre,
And Qui Gon Jin’s lifeless body was set afire.
Yoda and Mace talked myth
Regarding the ancient Sith
Always two there were, a master and a squire.

The next day the Naboo had a great parade
To celebrate the Gungan friends they made
Gathered side by side
The whole cast smiled and sighed
Including Anakin, sporting a padawan braid!

And now the whole story is through
Wait, I guess that might not be true.
Although I’m done
Retelling Episode One
Next up is Episode Two!

Thanks for reading!
Check out Episode Two: Attack of the Clones